26 May 2008 10:23 pm   //   Filed under: Failure, Movies, Review

Worse than Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones quicksand

The most tragic thing about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is that for millions of kids, this will be their introduction to Indiana Jones. Not the swashbuckling hero movies from the 80s, but an incoherent, over-CGI’d space alien picture. (Spoilers follow.)

Where to begin? Why would the government ask Indiana Jones to examine a dead alien? And if they’d do that, why would they later send a bunch of G-men to follow him who have no idea who he is? If that Russian woman is a mind-reader, why don’t we ever see her successfully read anybody’s mind? If Indy’s son doesn’t know what Indiana looks like, how does he spot him on the train? How did the Russians find Marion? Why does the Crystal Skull look like something that would be sold at a gift shop at the beach? Why is it powerfully magnetic, but only when it suits the scene? If the skull is one of the 13 from the ancient Peru grave site, how did it end up in Roswell? If the aliens control a portal between dimensions, why do they need a flying saucer the size of Rhode Island? Since when are ants predators? Is Oxley’s explanation that the aliens are from “the space between spaces” really the best the writers could come up with? What is George Lucas trying to tell us by making Harrison Ford recite “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” yet again? Why couldn’t they get Sean Connery? Why did they have to end this movie with a wedding? Why the gophers? Why the monkeys? Arrgh!

This film is bad, bad, a thousand times bad. It’s bad like food poisoning. Bad like a traffic fatality. If bad was a drug, this movie would sell it by the gram. Do not go see it. Run away.